McDonalds is a good place to sit and people watch if you want to understand a culture. It's also a good place to break apart stereotypes and preconceived notions of how a society works. We often claim that the cycle of domestic violence is passed on as sons see their fathers hit their mothers - and this is undoubtedly true. But it's not the ONLY case of generational violence. In fact, some sons who see their mothers abused will grow to be defenders and protectors of women - even against their own fathers at a very young age. But shockingly, and contrary to our deeply ingrained (good) training to never blame a victim, it's not hard to see how women themselves influence their sons to perpetuate violence against their future families. Watch the mother who pulls back her arm and in an outburst of rage, slaps her pre-pubescent son as hard as she can before banishing him to the corner of the restaurant where he sits glaring and tries not to give her the satisfaction of his tears. Well and truly old enough to understand public humiliation and the behavior being modeled for him - hitting is an appropriate way to punish someone and if they're big enough to take it, you can hit as hard as you want/can - how, exactly, do you think he's going to treat you (or your surrogate) when he gets old enough to call the shots? I know one thing for certain: I hope my daughter never dates the man whose mother hit him like that.
Domestic violence is never okay - not against women, not against children, not against men. Women are more regularly viewed as victims, but how often do we fail to recognize ourselves - not our male counterparts - as the ones who set the stage for how the next generation thinks about women? This is not about spanking and when/how/in what context that may or may not be okay. This is about when your reaction to feeling anger is to strike the subject or object of your anger (or the closest representative thing you can find). This is also about how we treat shame as a tool of control and at what age we have to stop publicly humiliating our kids. We might not see that kid as a grown up yet (and rightly so). But if he's "all grown up" in his own mind, then the way you treat him in public is the acceptable way grown-ups treat each other - experienced firsthand and much more powerfully than any example he (or she) sees from the outside looking in. And if it's okay for grown-ups to hit, humiliate, and disrespect each other (with name-calling or other behaviors too often seen in parenting), then it's going to be okay in the context of the next relationship our kids have - with a life partner.
Women, please please PLEASE stop abusing your boys. They're not the enemy simply because they have a penis (even if other men in your life have sucked), they can't "take it" from you any better than your daughter can, and they shouldn't have to. You're the model of how to view ALL females: what to look for in a wife, how to treat their daughters, how to interact with women in the workplace. If they can't respect you and your ability to keep your emotions (including anger) in check, how are they supposed to respect any woman ever?
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